Getting (a little) closer to graduation has caused me to reflect on my graduate studies. While reflecting, I came across these notes a group of us collected during the second quarter of our first year. They were compiled during the PHYS 210 series at UCLA. Please be aware that these are actual notes taken in class and do not necessarily represent literal statements made by the professor. I hope that some of my old classmates find this and have a chuckle.

The following definitions will serve to clarify certain statements.

We - the graduate students in the class
You (your, etc) - statement applies to any person
I (me, etc) - the professor

From the Electromagnetic Theory Class of Wong

January 9, 2003

• We are like rats in a maze
• We cannot earn a Ph.D. based on a thesis that studies Newton's 2nd Law
• There is a chance we will die before earning a Ph.D.
• To become famous, choose a problem so difficult that no one knows anything about it
• The chance of being successful is inversely proportional to the level of difficulty of the problem you are trying to solve
• Microsoft Word allows you to type Greek characters, though the method requires following a long and varied path of mouse clicks and menu choices
• Sometimes your messages look strange, but people will understand them anyway
• What I say and what is correct may in fact be different
• An elevator is not a refrigerator

January 14, 2003

• If Landau gets the same answer you got for a problem, then you are correct
• Always remember rectangular coordinates; that way, when you are really desperate you can still claim to be solving the problem in rectangular coordinates
• Based on the hand motions used to describe it, we may conclude that the solenoid is a very phallic device

January 16, 2003

• If you are in a stadium and do not know how to stand up, then you will destroy the human wave

January 21, 2003

• Regardless of how complicated something is, I will describe it as being both simple and complete
• I am going to reference more books than you can ever possibly review
• If you perform nearly as well as Feynman, Landau, and Schwinger, then you are doing well
• Please allow me to reiterate, if you are in a stadium and you do not know how to stand up, then you will destroy the human wave

January 23, 2003

• As evidenced by the many errors in my handouts, it is very difficult to proofread one's own work
• Investors lost large sums of money as the first two attempts at laying a trans-Atlantic cable failed
• The first trans-Atlantic cables failed because sharks bit them
• Sharks like to go like this: chomp chomp!

January 28, 2003

• Lowest attendance of the quarter - 6 out of 30+ students
• Using the SI units is straightforward because we are forced to use them and they are named after famous people

January 30, 2003

• Very few of us can read German

February 6, 2003

• In the past, everyone who spoke on the phone sounded like Donald Duck
• You don't get electrocuted when you go out in the sun, but you will probably get cancer
• Only the CIA can intercept information from optical fibers; they also employ lip readers to decipher messages
• During the Cold War, a camera equipped Xerox machine was the CIA's greatest weapon
• If you need the power to burn flesh away, then the following is the optical fiber you want
• Physics allows us to battle the phone company as we utilize the multimode capability of our normal phone lines
• The phone company seeks to prevent us from taking free services
• The closest liquor store to UCLA is on Santa Monica Blvd, that is how I gauge the distance of one mile

February 13, 2003

• I cannot afford to buy certain kinds of computers. They are too expensive for me.
• In the old days we used to have a certain kind of graph paper with lines on it, but these days you can't even buy it. I saved some from back then and make copies of it as I need them.
• If you have a computer, then you can bang anything you like
• Note to Self: Buy more computers!

February 25, 2003

• The diffraction pattern from this infinite slit will be very kinky
• I am going to continue repeating the word, "kinky," until you respond with the laughter I am seeking

March 4, 2003

• Tensor notation is similar to English society; if you live upstairs then you are the master and if you live downstairs you are the servant

March 13, 2003

• -- Last day of class --
• The impedance of free space is 377 Ohms
• The motion of the Earth through the ultimate reference frame, the Cosmic Background Radiation, is 377 m/s.
• These two facts have nothing to do with each other, nor will they be useful during your final exam

Tags: graduate school, life wisdom, physics humor